Sex Talk: Is conflict angrily chomping on your sex life?

Some couples never resolve any conflicts. They break up and somehow make up without talking about the issues that caused them to break up in the first place.

Then they fight again and go into the marrieds’ infamous cold war, until someone gets tired of the drama and simply resumes talking. And they resume the sex. and grow their family. But the toxicity intensifies.

Before they know it, there is a heap of unresolved conflicts that threatens to bury the entire marriage with one wrong step. The first thing those unresolved skirmishes hit, is of course your sex life. As things simmer beneath the surface, you start coming into the lovemaking space with resentment and bitterness, and your responses and input become mechanical and choreographed.

Don’t let things pile up. Try approaching conflict this way:

Speak up. You did not marry an angel or a psychic to read your mind. As long as you remember to stay respectful, say your bit and make yourself heard.

Whether it is something you detest about your spouse’s approach to sex, or the way they talk to you in front of the children, or what you saw and did not understand… by all means, speak up!

Everything becomes much better when you know how to communicate through all your emotions.

Choose time and place. And the time to resolve past conflicts is definitely not during sex! That is not the time to ask, “Huh? Was James as good as me?”

“Why don’t you ever tell me you love me?” “Who was that girl you were texting earlier?” “When are you paying the school fees and rent?” Some wives swear, however, that there is no better time than during sex, to extract honest answers, new commitments and even apologies from their husbands.

Well, to each their own then, but you surely don’t want your spouse to start dreading making love with you, because they know what is coming next. It feels like entering an interrogation room.

And I have seen marriage therapists encourage couples not to sully their marital bedrooms with fights. If you want to fight over something, take it outside that sacred space. You don’t want it forever tainted with a bitter word or action that escaped in the heat of an argument.

Do not go to bed angry. This is the age-old one, as prescribed by the Good Book itself. Sort through your problems before proceeding to cover yourselves under the same duvet at bedtime.

These are really stressful times; someone can practice their precision shooting on you, or test the sharpness of their new steak knife on your sleepy precious parts!

How many times do you choose to ‘sleep over it’, and when in the middle of the night, your spouse who has already overcome their issues with you, makes a move, you knee them in the ribs?

Why not just hush things out before going to bed? That is why in organized households, there is a strict bedtime for children, whether they feel like it or not.

Send them to bed by 8pm then stay up a little longer and work through your messes. Otherwise, pink elephants and angry hyenas don’t mix.

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